Loneliness and rejection have always driven me to my “Old Friend”
There was never a time in my teenage, young adult, or now older adult years that I have not struggled with feelings of rejection, loneliness, abandonment, and isolation. Having unpacked this some with therapy, I now understand a lot of my addiction stems from my childhood. Growing up in a home where not only did I not have a stable father figure, but I also had a lot of unstable ones. My mother frequently picked her men, her drugs or the alcohol over us kids. My dad never had a relationship with me because of his addictions. I was often abandoned. I was frequently alone, I received rejection, I struggled with isolation.
Fast forward to my first experience with my “old Frenemy” pornography. I recall with vivid detail my “first time” seeing it... alone in one of my stepdads' bathrooms. I felt like my loneliness now served a purpose. In my feelings of rejection, I now could find some comfort, you see porn couldn’t reject me, it couldn’t hurt me (boy was I wrong). Yet, time after time, year after year I found comfort in this deadly trap.
In my late 20’s I recall a specific time I realized I had a real problem. Still single, I lived in a 2-bedroom home, I went into the room that was completely dark (I worked 3rd shift at the time), it was very late, and I began looking at porn. I emerged from that room probably 8 hours later... feeling as alone as I had ever felt. I sat on my couch and cried, I didn’t know how to stop, where to go, who to talk to, then the overwhelming thought of telling someone. creeped in. Imagine telling someone “I just watched porn for 8 hours” and them not thinking you are a pervert, who needs to be locked up in an insane asylum.
“They would reject me, they would judge me, I would be hurt, you’ll be alone, you’ll be labeled, they won’t love you.” The voice in my head shifted from mine to some demon likened to Golem from Lord of the Rings.
And just like that “creature” in the movie who obsessed over a magical shiny ring, I heard an old familiar voice drawing me back, “my precious” as it were, and to the merry-go-round I returned to find comfort in my “only friend” pornography.
It took years of this tormenting “amusement” ride to find my “salvation” God does not want us to be alone, he is always with us. The enemy who whispered in my ears all those years is exactly that an enemy, and a lying and deceiving one. Don’t listen to the lies of loneliness. Not only is Christ with you “ALWAYS”, not only is he a friend who sticks closer than a brother, but also, we have brethren. It turns out I wasn't rejected, I wasn't judged, and I actually found healing from my hurts, you too can walk free.